Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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