I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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