I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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