I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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