Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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