im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
