now i know why i became what i already was.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
