That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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