Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
