you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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