well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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