The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
