dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
