he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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