If i come over, it means nothing
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
