I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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