Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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