He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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