your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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