im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
