People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
