Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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