That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
