Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
