Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Randomize
