you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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