The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
