he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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