i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
