I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just pynch a tree in the face
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
