I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
