I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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