Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
