You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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