i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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