just tell him i said nine months
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
