We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
