so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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