Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
