my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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