fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
