He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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