just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so let's talk penis.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
