i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
