I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
