Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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