its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
