i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
