No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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