I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
