dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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