I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
