Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
