i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
