Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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