I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
