dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
